Hi People
It is for people like Therese that I am motivated to continue blogging and writing, despite being pulled away in a thousand places. She commented on my previous article on parenting. I always say “I can change the world, one by one”. So here is the latest article that I wrote for MCYS’ Behind Every Success. Enjoy!
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At the beginning of September, I had the great joy of seeing my eldest daughter married to her beau. In fact, I had the added privilege of officiating at her wedding! It was a family affair. Our second daughter was the bridesmaid. Our son walked his sister down the aisle and ‘gave’ her away in marriage. My wife was the witness to the marriage… and our family dog was the ring bearer!
In my speech to the couple I reminded them that a wedding is like a 100-metre dash, while marriage is a marathon. And although husband and wife qualify as a family, it would be a bonus to add on little ones soon after the wedding bells because they bring great joy. The equation goes like this, Couplehood: 1 + 1 = 1 family.
I urged the young couple to start a family soon and to have at least three children – one for him, one for her and one for Singapore! Our daughter nodded in agreement and said that if all goes well, she would do her part and contribute another dragon to the family. Then there would be three generations of dragons – my wife and I, my son and our future grandchild!
A word of caution I gave to the couple was to beware of the Love Triangle and not let the big C invade the husband-and-wife relationship. The first big C is other Characters in the form of other men or women. The second C is their Careers. And finally, the last C is Children! You see, children is a blessing, but they can also be the cause of marital strife and woe. Children can weld a husband and wife together, or they can be a wedge to drive apart a loving relationship. How does this happen?
When the baby comes along, the woman tends to think that her primary role is that of a mother and forgets that she is first a wife. Sometimes this phenomenon happens to the man too. In any event, who can display any ill feelings towards an innocent baby? And so the spouse suffers in silence.
My wife is one liberated woman. She allows me to subscribe to MAXIM (for the less informed – that is a magazine for men). Actually, we both subscribe to MACSIM – Movement Against Children Sleeping In Master-bedroom. Children have visitor’s rights only. Permanent residence? No way! A couple must guard their intimate relationship jealously.
Another source of arguments and discontent that may arise is how to deal with work on the domestic front when baby comes along. A wife will measure what a husband does against what she does, and because what a man does looks small in comparison, the woman often ends up unhappy and disgruntled.
The man, on the other hand, usually measures his contribution to the chores he does against what his father did, and because he is sure to be doing more, he ends up feeling rather good about himself and his contribution. This is even more so if his wife chooses to be a full-time homemaker, thus making him the sole breadwinner.
In fact, other issues will arise and a couple will need answers to several questions.
Parenting Questions:
* Are we ready for a newborn? Are we ready for added roles? Who will be the primary caregiver?
* How will finances be shared? Will mummy stay home? Will our parents be dependent on us?
* Can we afford a domestic helper? Is childcare available?
If the couple can come to a happy consensus, then conflicts will be minimised. Early conflict resolution can save couples from latent dangers that may surface when baby finally comes along.
Perhaps setting some parenting goals will help a couple prevent Baby from spoiling the marital bliss.
Parenting Goals:
1. Be spouse-centred, not child-centred.
2. Children are ‘leasehold property’ while the spouse is ‘freehold property’.
3. Establish proper rules – but don’t neglect the relationships!
Truly, children will bring added joy to a blissful marriage. We watch our little ones grow up and they grow up too fast. It seems that within a blink of an eye, our three children are all grown up. Now we can only reminisce about their childhood days. Carefree days of flying kites, playing catching, hide-and-seek, running about in the playground, swimming and catching spiders. Of course, it was not all fun and play… there were spelling tests and colouring contests to contend with too!
Wasn’t it just yesterday that we watched them nervously as we packed them off for their first day at nursery school? Separation anxiety was high, and it was not always coming from the child. Sometimes parents feel it more, especially when we have to let go of the first-born. After all, we are first-time parents the first time around. Things got better with the subsequent children. It always does. We call it ‘experience’.
I can therefore safely say “Experience the full gamut of your little ones, for they bring great joy!” The tough times will surely pass and when we find ourselves out of a job as parents we can shed a tear or two, a little sad, but plenty glad that we have done a reasonably good job. We may think we fail our children a bit here and there, but after all, we are their parents and they will still always love us. Just ask our children.
Former General Manager of TOUCH Community Services, Simon Sim has addressed staff of ministries, statutory boards, corporations as well as parents in various schools on strengthening family relationships. He is also the author of The Family CEO: Building A Happy and Successful Family.
As you’re preparing for your wedding, there must be one thought at the back of your mind that you’re afraid to address: Will your role as a wife be any different from what it was when you were a fiancee, or a girlfriend? Most of us barely even noticed we’ve transitioned from a girl to a woman, yet we are ready to be a mother. Adora Tan-Richer tells us she’s never been happier.
Before Max and I tied the knot, we had a serious talk about what we expected of each other as man and wife. I think I listed down a few things while my then fiancé dozed off on the couch. The whole “pregnant and barefooted in the kitchen” thing clearly was not how I had envisioned my married life to be. But here we are, five years into our marriage, and that’s exactly what I am: Preparing dinner with a three-year-old yelling “Mama, help me, I’m stuck in the toilet bowl again!” and my swelling belly getting in the way of easy access to the sink. So things change along the way, as they often do, and we had to make adjustments.
My husband and I got married on—as I like to call it—equal grounds. At the point of marriage, we both held similar educational qualifications and contributed equal amounts into our joint account. So he did not yell “Honey, I’m home!” and I did not rush to clear his socks off the floor and present him with a cool drink, dressed in my apron. We thought of each other as equals, so our roles at home were not so much the roles of a “husband” and a “wife” per se, but more of partners in the same relationship. Thus, objectively, we were able to contribute to the household based on our individual strengths.
50 years ago, women were less educated than they are now. They knew that when they got married, they were subjecting themselves to a life of washing, cleaning, cooking and picking up after their men. Perhaps it is because women often thought of themselves, or perhaps the society moulded it such, as inferior, and that’s why they took it upon themselves to care for the home while their husbands brought home the bacon.
I grew up in the ’70s and ’80s, but in a slightly different kind of environment – my father was the one who managed the household. He woke us up, brought us to school on his way to work, signed our spelling sheets and distributed the weekly allowance. He knew who to call when the toilet choked or when our living room tiles popped in the dead of the night. He bought breakfast on Sunday and took care of the finances. He made all our doctor appointments and it was him, not my mother, who held my hand as I cried while I got my wisdom teeth removed at 16. My mother loved us, but her inability to cook and her fear of blood just meant she showed her love in other ways.
So all along, I thought it was the man’s job to handle the day-to-day household operations (and no we’re not talking about housework. Yet). It was only in recent years that I realised my father belonged to a rare and endangered species, and almost everyone else I know had mothers who took care of everything. My parents have four kids, but my dad always says that he counts himself as having five, because he treats my mum as the biggest kid, and never burdens her with any responsibilities. She sure is one lucky woman.
So you can imagine the shock I had when I first moved in with my husband and realised that he didn’t exactly behave like my father. I had to re-learn everything but it was good that I was brought up that way, because I could then apply what I have learnt from my father, onto our marriage.
In my opinion, a wife should show her husband love and support him — but within reason. When he wants to take on a new job that pays less but is in a field that interests him more, I support him. I say “Go for it, you deserve it” because I mean it, and I know it will make him happy. But if he wants to take a six-month break from work “just because”, I will slap him on the back of his head and tell him “Sure thing bro, and then when you wake up from that sweet dream, you can bring that bamboo pole of t-shirts back in.”
What about something closer to home, like housework? We’re very practical about it. I hate ironing so he takes care of that. Besides I have few articles of clothing that require ironing anyway.
He’s not a big fan of cooking so that’s my job. I grew up envying friends who had mums who made double-boiled soups and had home-cooked dinners every day. It showed that the cook had gone through the trouble of planning the meal and slaving over the stove just so her family had a healthy meal at the end of the day. My mother was a modern mum who had a full time job, so I never experienced a mother’s home-cooked meal. So to me, when I do that for my husband and my family, it symbolises the love I have for them. And I’m more than happy to do it.
Do I pack my husband’s lunch? Sometimes. He brings leftovers to work once in a while, and again, it’s about practicality. He even gets little love notes from me, just like our daughter does. I do it to make him laugh. I do that a lot (try to make him laugh, not put love notes in his bag).
Do I do the laundry? Sure I do. Could he have done it by himself? Yes, of course. But would it slip his mind at times? Probably. So I do it because I remember these things. Do I enjoy it? Not so much. But do I see it as demeaning? Nope. I see it as making sure my husband has clean socks and underwear for work every day. But we do fold the clothes together after it has dried, late at night, while watching our favourite TV series together.
What about the miscellaneous household things, like making sure the air-conditioner is serviced twice a year, or that the plumber is called in when we need to fix a broken pipe, or making sure our bills are paid, or arranging for furniture to be delivered? How about finding a good pre-school for our daughter, the booking of plane tickets and hotels for holidays, and buying Christmas presents for our mothers? I do all of that, not because I see it as a “wifely duty”, but because I am more meticulous, have a better memory, and am more particular about getting better deals. It’s all about practicality for us.
I also plan surprise parties for Max’s birthday. I save us money by looking for the best bargains. I edit his scripts and Powerpoint slides when he has a big presentation. I bring him around to introduce him to the different sights and sounds of Singapore and immerse him in local slangs since he is not local, and today, he can confidently say “Lim peh’s Hokkien is sibeh tok gong!” In return, I learn traditional recipes from his mother and make them when he gets homesick.
I may not be a typical wife, but there is one typical wifey role that I particularly enjoy, and that is nagging. I do it often to make up for my lack of “wifey-ness” in other ways. And now it is time for me to remind my husband how lucky he is. After he picks his socks from off the floor.
Planning the perfect wedding is no mean feat (even if you’ve engaged a top wedding planner like Marion St. Claire in Bride Wars). With seemingly endless gown fittings, the chore of collecting RSVPs and managing parents’ expectations, it can get physically and psychologically exhausting. Well, don’t fret. SingaporeBrides shows you how to stay healthy and happy during these crucial months.
#1: Eat well, drink well (no crash diets, please!)
Grabbing quick bites in between running bridal errands and attending pre-wedding celebratory luncheons can be bad for you. You have to keep your energy up, so eat enough, and eat well. Make healthy food choices, such as including plenty of whole-grains, fruits and vegetables in your meals while avoiding sugar, fried and fatty foods. In other words, choose yong tau foo over that fried chicken and fries meal. Also drink lots of water (not coffee, alcohol or fizzy drinks) and cut the ciggies out of your life.
Dr Ivy Lim, registrar at Changi Sports Medicine Centre, advises: “Your daily diet should consist of carbohydrates (55-60% of total energy intake), proteins (10-15%) and fat (25-30%).” Stick to this even if you’re trying to lose weight to fit into your gown. Dr Lim adds: “Many brides-to-be crash diet without realising that the weight they lose is actually from water, not fat. That means the metabolic rate go down and the fat-free mass reduces because the body is conserving energy. But when they stop the diet, the body ends up burning fewer calories than it did before, and they will end up gaining weight.” Plus, such crash diets only stresses your body. It affects your mood and energy levels so you end up being tired, depressed and grumpy!
Do this:
Planning to start a family soon after your wedding? Dr Chee Jing Jye, medical director of The Obstetrics & Gynaecology Centre at Singapore Medical Group, advises: “Start taking folate (or folic acid) supplements, which has been proven to reduce brain and spinal cord abnormalities in the baby. It’s recommended for mothers-to-be to start taking it at least three months before conception.”
#2: Work out!
If you want to lose a dress size or two, don’t just think about quick fixes like that slimming package. Go for the natural approach (read: exercise, exercise, exercise). Dr Lim advises 150 minutes per week of moderate intensity exercise to keep fit (or 300 minutes per week to lose weight). She says: “Brides-to-be might not have time to hit the gym or go for long runs. Actually, any exercise session that lasts at least 10 minutes can count towards your weekly target. So you can keep fit by making small changes to your daily activities.”
While doing so, keep in mind that you shouldn’t push yourself too hard. “That can result in injuries,” warns Dr Lim. “Pick a few types of exercises you enjoy – like badminton, stair-climbing and swimming – and switch between them through the week. That helps you to break your exercise routine into smaller, regular bouts so you can achieve them through the week (don’t be a weekend warrior!).”
Do this:
• Brisk walk: Stop one to two bus stops before your destination and brisk walk there instead. If you drive, park at a parking lot further away from your destination and let your feet do the work.
• Climb stairs: Instead of using the elevator or escalator, use the staircase when you’re leaving or going home or running errands in a shopping centre.
#3: Get forty winks (and more)
Brides-to-be have lots to prepare for a wedding. Yet, they’re often expected to keep up with their usual daily activities like a 9-to-5 job. That’s why it’s inevitable that they are deprived of sleep in the months leading up to the wedding day. But a lack of quality sleep can seriously compromise your health – you run a higher risk of catching a cold. It can also affect your mood and ability to cope with the additional stress during this time.
Dr Chee Jing Jye, medical director of The Obstetrics & Gynaecology Centre at Singapore Medical Group, advises: “Have at least six to an ideal eight hours of sleep daily. Adequate rest not only ensures that you look radiant, it also boosts your immune system.” So if you have been staying up till wee hours of the night preparing for your wedding, it’s time to make some adjustments.
Do this:
• Start a bedtime ritual: It could be warm milk. Or one chapter of a bestselling novel. Engaging in these relaxing activities will take your mind off those pre-wedding tasks.
• Cut the caffeine and alcohol: Having lots of lattes will not help in your quest for quality sleep. Neither will beer – alcohol might shorten the time it takes for you to fall asleep, but it increases arousals during the night so you end up even sleepier!
#4: Consider a pre-wedding check-up
Not many couples in Singapore actually consider the possibility of going for a pre-wedding health screening, but it is actually good practice. By doing so, both parties will know if they are healthy and clear of infectious, life-threatening diseases like HIV and hepatitis. It also allows the couple to check if they are able to conceive, or have genetic disorders or congenital diseases that might affect their children later down the road.
According to Dr Chee, a pre-wedding checkup typically includes:
• Health history: Your doctor will ask you about your general well-being, with specific emphasis on your gynaecological health, past medical history and family history of major illnesses. Dr Chee explains: “By doing so, the doctor can identify if there could be possible gynaecological conditions that can be treated before wedding; or potential problems that may result in complications to the pregnancy, and take active steps to eliminate or reduce that risk.”
• Take tests: Your doctor will recommend a series of blood tests to assess the general health condition, as well as screen for conditions that may have a negative impact on pregnancy. One example would be sexually transmitted diseases like HIV and Hepatitis B.
#5: Keep a positive outlook
This is the true key to a happy, healthy bride. After all, your wedding – even if the planning can get overwhelming – should be a joyous event. It shouldn’t become a chore or a form of stress for you. Ms Chaw Yen Fern, clinical psychologist at Changi General Hospital (Psychological Medicine), observes: “Perfectionism about wedding arrangements can be a big source of stress. High expectations lead to greater stress, both in the preparation process and the wedding day itself.”
That’s why it’s important to keep an open mind and accept that there are limits to the amount of control you have over the wedding. “Focus on what you do have instead of what you don’t. Besides, any event involving so many people is bound to have a few imperfections. What doesn’t go exactly according to plan may be the most amusing or memorable detail to reminisce about in years to come.”
Do this:
• Make time for some fun: Listen to music, go for a walk, watch a movie or get a spa massage! These can be mini-breaks that help you recharge amidst the stressful wedding planning.
• Connect: Spend positive and enjoyable time with your fiancé. Schedule a “no wedding night” once a week, whereby neither of you should mention nor do anything wedding-related. Make this a date night and focus on each other’s company.
• Get some support: Those with strong social support perceive and experience less stress, and are better able to cope with the stress that they do face. Ms Chaw adds: “Family and friends can help you to brainstorm ideas, talk over the problems you encounter and help you keep your perspective.”
Simply, stay positive. Ms Chaw advises: “Know that whatever happens, you will still be married at the end of the ceremony. The wedding day, while important, is only one of the many experiences and memories you will share with your spouse in your lifelong journey together.”
